Attention Brown Stink Bugs!

From: General Stinky W. Patton, Commander of Stink Bug Forces in the Northeastern Quadrant of the United States of America.

This is a highly classified document and is NOT to be shared with anyone outside of our ranks… especially humans. Failure to heed this directive will result in your immediate dishonorable discharge and possible deportation back to Asia… or something really bad like that.

It has come to my attention that our adversaries (the humans) are not as dumb as they look. They are big and ugly, but that's an issue for another time. Our forward reconnaissance has determined that in the short time we've been here, the humans have been able to figure out some of our most classified and secretive behaviors. What's even more troublesome is that some of them even know our weaknesses! I suspect that we have a trader within our ranks!

How else could the humans have figured out that we are easily able to gain access into their homes through the tiniest of holes or cracks? This has led to their aggressively sealing off some of our most convenient entryways with some kind of gooey stuff called "caulking". Where are we supposed to hibernate if we can't get in their houses? Some of them have even installed something called a "sweep" across the bottoms of their doors, thus blocking another one of our favorite ways to get in. This "pest control" behavior again points to a trader among us.

Forward Intelligence reports have indicated that others have begun to spray something called "pesticides" in the areas where we like to congregate the most. Areas such as under decks, porches, and the many other areas which provide us with relief from the hot sun in the Summer. (I personally love sheds). But those pesticides can be lethal! At minimum they can make our favorite areas repulsive to us and we have to go somewhere else.

And if the above information doesn't twist your antennas, get this: The humans have found out that we just love vegetable and fruit plants! Now they're aware of our food supply! We could be in immanent danger of starving to death if they start treating such delectable culinary delights with the things we hate the most. Things like a half and half mixture of water and liquid soap, or anything oily like canola oil, soybean oil or citronella oil. Who told them?

Finally, and most shocking of all, they have learned that our number one defensive weapon, our stink glands filled with pheromones, are totally harmless to humans! To top that off, some turn-coat even told them that Brown Stink Bugs do not bite! Although it is true, this belief has provided us with a tremendous psychological advantage and served us well up to this point. Thanks a lot... you "Bugadict" Arnold!

If the trader who ratted us out to the humans is reading this, I command that you come forward and face your punishment immediately!  I will personally see to it that your stink glands are removed, and that you be deported back to Asia… or something really bad like that.

Your Supreme Commander
General Stinky W. "I Can't Return" Patton